For Women's Eyes Only

Dear Mr.Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudoson being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxipads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. In just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband
likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene
Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a GeorgeForeman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawlingwith homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for My
letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness -is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did
it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down
to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy Plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of G-d, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say somethingthat's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings,
I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's
a promise I will keep...Always.
Sincerely,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX